I have been feeling impressed to share my story (or part of it). The picture below felt appropriate for what I’m about to share. It’s also my favorite movie.
I have seen so many posts from people asking for prayer but they preface it by saying they don’t feel worthy to ask. Y’all, if I am worthy you ALL are worthy!
Let me tell you a little about myself. In 2015, my husband and I had reached our 13th year of actively trying to conceive. For 13 years we had been told by numerous specialists, “we don’t know why you can’t get pregnant but you have…..” For 13 years I was diagnosed with an ever growing list of health issues. Well in 2015, I had a doctor tell me “there is nothing more we can do for you and in regards to your health issues, you will need to find a way to survive.”
So, we prayed to know which step to take in our infertility journey. It was at this time, we received the answer that children would not happen in this life! Y’all, my heart shattered! And then…. I got ANGRY – beyond angry!!!
Between losing all hope and viewing myself as a failure – because all I ever wanted was to be a Mom and now God was telling me it wouldn’t happen – I saw no point in continuing with my life. Satan had been fighting for my soul for years and I told Satan when I ended my life my soul was all his. In the very next breath, I told God he could go to Hell and he could have this miserable body back because I had no further use for it. (Seriously, those were my exact words)
For years, I stayed angry with God, rebelling against what I knew was right. I am not an angry person and every time I tried to take my life something stopped me. One night, I got tired of being angry. I knelt beside my bed and I poured out my anger, brokenness, depression to God and then I BEGGED for forgiveness.
At the end of my ugly crying prayer, I attempted to stand up. I could not stand – my legs were completely frozen and I could not command them to move. After several minutes of being unable to move, and believing I was being punished for my anger and words, I heard a male voice say “Lift up your head, Child” (I was home alone) I still couldn’t stand but immediately felt like someone was holding me on their lap, cradling me. I instinctively leaned into the cradle and I cried.
I know in that moment, even after me being so nasty, God was holding me, cradling His child. And I have never felt so loved. Since then I have worked on rebuilding my relationship with God and He has graciously welcomed me back into His arms.
So, if you feel unworthy, or don’t know what to say to Him because of a strained relationship with Him or because of something you have done…. Just start talking to Him.Trust me He LOVES you and has never stopped.
