As a young member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (inadvertently called “The Mormon Church” by the media), I learned about the atonement of Jesus Christ at a very young age. I prayed in His name, was baptized in His name, and partook of the bread and water of the sacrament weekly, just as He did with his disciples before his crucifixion (Luke 22:18-19). In my prayers, I promised God that I would follow Jesus and serve Him with my life; if I had broken one of His commandments, I asked forgiveness. I worshipped and asked for help every day. In my early 20′s, I went to the temple, where members of The Church of Jesus Christ (Mormons) covenant to follow Christ, keep His commandments, and sacrifice all they have to Him. Yet it was not until I reached the age of 31 that I truly came to understand what Jesus did for me when He suffered in Gethsemane, died on the cross, and was resurrected.

Needing the Savior

I spent Christmas of 1991 in the hospital, fighting for the lives of my unborn twin daughters. They were not due for 12 more weeks, but because of serious complications their lives were in danger. I had blown up like a balloon and was at constant risk of going into labor. My husband and I prayed constantly for our babies’ health and safety, but still felt continual fear. Our three little boys could not understand why Mommy was not home for Christmas.

Three days after Christmas, one of the twins died, and the other was delivered by Caesarian section. Her life, too, hung in the balance as she was rushed to a nearby children’s hospital, given three full units of blood, and placed on life support. In shock and pain, grieving the loss of her sister, we continued to pray for the miracle of health for our remaining daughter, whom we named Sarah.

In a few weeks the verdict was in: Sarah, although healthy in body, had suffered an almost complete loss of mental capacity. Her brain was damaged beyond repair, with only enough healthy tissue left to keep her heart beating and her lungs breathing as the rest slowly died and disappeared. We were devastated. How could God have treated us this way? We were His beloved children, and we worshipped Him and followed our Savior, Jesus Christ, who had miraculously healed the sick and brought the dead to life! Where was the Lord when we needed Him?

As we brought home our tiny, four-pound premie, I tried to settle into life as the mother of a profoundly handicapped child. Sarah required round-the-clock feeding and attention. She did not sleep normally; she fed listlessly; she could not keep her tiny meals down; she cried and arched her back painfully whenever she was not being held. With three other young children who needed me and a still grieving heart, I felt completely overwhelmed. Again I sought help from God through prayer. One day, as I was reading in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, I came across the following lines in Mosiah 24:13-15. Jesus Christ said to a group of ancient Christians who were enslaved to their enemies:

“Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; …and I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs.”

The Miracle of Grace: Lifting our Burdens

Grace is the miracle the Lord God offers to us, through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, that lifts us to Him beyond anything we can do or ever hope to do in this life. “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (The Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 25:23). We must put forth our very best efforts all through our lives to keep the Lord’s commandments–but we will inevitably fall far short. Grace is the gift through which God strengthens us along the way and makes up the difference. One of the three essential gifts we receive by grace through the atonement of Jesus Christ is the gift of comfort and healing. Alma, an ancient prophet, calls it “succor:”

And [Jesus Christ] shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people…and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities (Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-12).

Relief and hope flooded my heart as I read the words of the Lord. I began to pray differently: not that my Savior would remove my burdens, but that, through the atonement, he would “ease my burdens” and provide succor for my soul. It was then that our miracle began–not a miracle of the flesh, but a miracle of the heart. I began to sense the presence of my tiny daughter’s pure, magnificent soul, and the presence of the angelic spirits who tended to her as she endured her physical trials. Earthly angels entered my life in the guise of loving friends, wise doctors, and understanding social workers who eased my burdens of worry and exhaustion. By the time a few months had passed, I was rejoicing in the opportunity to nurture my beautiful daughter.

 

The Miracle of Healing our Bodies

In order to heal, I needed a second gift of grace. As a Mormon, I believed Sarah’s damaged body housed an immortal spirit that was a literal spirit child of God the Father. Although her brain could not function, her spirit was still experiencing mortal life through her body. When she felt pain, I suffered, knowing she could not remember or anticipate it. Nor could she organize the continual bombardment she experienced through her senses. She could not, for example, tolerate both a breeze and a song at the same time. Nevertheless, her mortal experience was important to her eternal life. I had faith that after this life, she would remember and learn essential truths from what she experienced here. I sang to her, and her spirit responded to the sounds. She would relax in my arms, a rare blessingfor her, as I sang her  a favorite children’s song from a songbook published by The Church of Jesus Christ:

          I Will Follow God’s Plan

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heaven it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God’s plan for me,

Holding fast to his words and his love.

I will work, and I will pray.

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

“I Will Follow God’s Plan,” by Vanya Watkins

I had faith in my heart that, through the grace of the resurrection of our Lord and Redeemer Jesus Christ, Sarah would one day fully experience life in a healthy, perfect immortal body. By understanding her past as a spirit daughter of God, her present mortal experience, and the perfection to which she would one day be raised, I found comfort despite her occasional sufferings.

On a trip to visit family just seven months after her birth, Sarah contracted a sudden, severe case of pneumonia. In the whirlwind of rushing her to the emergency room trying to help her breathe, I was forced to decide if the doctors should use oxygen or a ventilator in order to save her life. Visions of her early suffering in the NICU arose in my mind. There was no time to calmly review each choice, and although we prayed, answers were not immediately evident. I tried to see my daughter’s life in terms of the learning and growth of her immortal spirit, and made a decision to withhold treatment. She died in our arms at home just a few hours later, breaking my heart once again.

The Miracle of Forgiveness

The last grace I needed through the atonement of Jesus Christ was perhaps the most serious of all. While I had made the best decision I could, I had made an irrevocable choice in allowing my daughter to move on in her eternal life by leaving this one. If that was a mistake, it was a big one. Like all parents, I agonized over my imperfections. Like all mortals, I was lost unless my Redeemer intervened in my behalf. Without the Savior’s atonement, Sarah was gone forever; and I was cut off from God unless Jesus Christ atoned for all my sins. I reached up and grasped His promises with both hands. Isaiah’s promise was a light in the darkness to me: 

“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” Isaiah 1:18

Amazing Grace: The Atonement of Jesus Christ

The world has never been the same for me since Sarah lived and died. Sarah brought me face to face with suffering, sin, and death, and my own great need for a Savior and Redeemer. Despite my best efforts, in the depths of my need, I was indeed lost. Through the sacrifice of the blood and body of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I was strengthened, healed, forgiven, and found. He has paid my debt, and I owe every breath of my life to Him. I live in hope of a glorious resurrection where Sarah will be reunited with our family, our physical bodies made perfect, to continue to grow in God’s presence for all eternity. Through Jesus’ grace we have been saved, after all we could do. It is indeed Amazing Grace to me.

Nora Moore Hess

          Nora Moore Hess is a writer and musician living in Lindon, Utah. She is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon). Nora and her husband, Bret, are the parents of seven biological and three adopted children.

Additional Resources: 

Jesus Christ, the Son of God

Jesus Christ, Our Savior

The Living Christ

Amazing Grace Video

The teaching mode of the Savior was varied. He used a number of different ways to teach the people He encountered about God the Father.

One of His favorite methods was to tell a story. These stories are often called parables. Jesus  Christ used parables to reach people at a variety of levels. Those who knew how to and were willing to listen with their hearts were able to pull deep meanings from the stories. Others at least heard a good story. Jesus often used the story to hold his audience’s attention. After the story was told, it was frequently explained. Other times he used them to keep those who did not come with honest intent from learning things they would be held accountable for if they understood. He could give the teachings that brought the most blessings only to those who listened with their hearts.

10 And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables?

11 He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. (Matthew 13)

Jesus Christ also taught through sermons, as do ministers today. He would gather those who came to hear him, or sometimes just a select few, and teach them important truths using a variety of methods-stories, sayings, instruction, and warnings or promises. This allowed him control over the content of the lessons, and also allowed him to tailor the material to his listeners. He never tiptoed around the truth during these sermons. He had only a short time to accomplish everything that needed to be done, and he didn’t waste time with jokes, watered down gospel, or anything else that might suggest his sermons was anything less than a matter of eternal life or death.

Jesus also taught spontaneously or arranged an informal teaching moment. For instance, when he came upon the woman being stoned, he was able to teach a lesson in only one sentence, when he suggested that the person who was without sin be the first to stone this woman for her own sin. The men understood the message and went away, ashamed of themselves. However, Jesus wasn’t finished teaching. He then spoke with the woman. He told her He didn’t judge her, giving her an important message about her worth before God. Then He instructed her to give up her sins.

When Martha and Mary had Jesus as a guest in their home, Martha fussed in the kitchen, making a special meal for their honored guest. She became frustrated because her sister, instead of helping, sat at Jesus’ feet, being taught the gospel. Martha asked Jesus to intervene, and He most likely startled her by suggesting that at this particular moment, Mary was choosing the better part. He wasn’t undermining the need to feed people or care for the home. He was teaching a lesson about choosing your priorities based on the moment. Jesus didn’t care about a fancy meal. He generally lived simply. There would be many days in which Martha could make fancy meals for people, but only a few in which she could sit quietly and learn from the Savior Himself.

These powerful lessons were delivered without planning, as the moment arose. He demonstrates to us the importance of being ready to teach at a moment’s notice, taking advantage of what is going on at a given moment.

Jesus’ most powerful teaching might be the lessons he taught by example. He made a point of living the way He wants us to live. When He was asked why He would be baptized, when He was perfect, He reminded them everyone was to be baptized. He never exempted Himself from the everyday laws of the gospel.

When a group of children were brought to see the Savior at the end of a busy day, the apostles wanted to send them away, because Jesus was tired. However, the Savior called them over and spent important time talking to them and blessing them. He demonstrated through his actions that children mattered, and that a parent or a teacher, no matter how tired or busy he might be, needed to find the time to spend with the children, and most particularly to find time to teach them the gospel.

Another way Jesus taught was through miracles. His miracles demonstrated He really was sent by God, but they often taught a lesson, as well. He healed people no one else bothered to respect or worry about. He healed lepers, who were kept away from others. He healed the blind, who, in those days, were generally relegated to begging. He healed the poor and the rich alike.

Through these healings of people considered unimportant, He taught us how to treat others. He helped us to understand our responsibility isn’t just to those in our social circle or economic class, but to everyone. By doing so, He gave dignity and importance to those who are often overlooked.

One story that demonstrates this respect concerns one of several healings of a blind man. This man was sitting by the side of the road, begging, when he learned Jesus was coming His way. He began to call out to the Master. Others told him to stop. He was a mere beggar, not worthy, they thought, of the Savior’s attention. Jesus, however, felt differently. He called the man to Him and asked Him what He could do for the man. He spoke to the blind man respectfully. Then, after the man asked for his sight, Jesus said the man’s own faith had made him whole. Think of the effect this had on those who watched and listened. Those who had felt the man was unworthy to speak to the Master suddenly learned this overlooked and underestimated man had faith so extraordinary it could bring about his own healing. Did they begin to look at other overlooked and underestimated people differently because of this? It was a great teaching moment that came through healing. Most of the healings we learn of involve people no one else cared about.

A Mormon apostle, Jeffrey R. Holland, suggests the physical healings were also a metaphor for spiritual healing, and that Jesus intended for us to also look for those who need spiritual healing for their souls.

These teaching methods demonstrate many of the ways we can teach others in our own lives. Jesus was the master teacher, and His stories are made available to us as an example to follow.

Karen

Part III

“The Crust of Irony”

Well, you’ve probably noticed in your trials, as I have in mine, that there is always some irony, but not nearly as much as in the ironies the Savior endured. Enduring mine enabled me to see and appreciate the grueling ironies of the Savior, and to come to know Him better.

The Spirit tutors and chisels and presses even or especially around the “crust of irony,” as Elder Maxwell aptly calls it. Such was the case here.

Mom confronted pancreatic difficulties all her life, but was never diagnosed with cancer until nine days prior to her passing. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is one of the most difficult to diagnose, and more than 60 percent aren’t actually even identified until death or some other necessary surgery that reveals it.

Mom’s official diagnosis prior to the final one was “benign cystic disease.” Like most others whose loved one has an illness, I began immersing myself in articles about the nature of pancreatic cysts.

As I read about the types of cysts, I noticed that each one except one was either cancerous or pre-cancerous; or had strands of cancer cells lined within an innocuous, non-cancerous group of cells.

As all the lit indicated overtly the difficulty in distinguishing benign and malignant pancreatic growths, I wondered, naturally, “How did they make the call in Mom’s case?” In fact, in spite of my ignorance, flags went up, and, ultimately, I suspected cancer.

I decided to e-mail Mom’s doctor. An excerpt of that original e-mail appears below:

Dr. [X],

Hello. I’m Karen . . .,  daughter of Adele . . . who will be coming to see you next Wed for a second opinion after a bout of pancreatitis and long history of pancreatic and biliary problems that no one has been able to figure out.. I guess she’s one in a million!

Anyway, I’m not a medical person, but just an interested family member with lots of questions after pouring over material on the net …and reading Mom’s reports. I wonder if I could list a few of my questions… I apologize for my ignorance.

How do we know this is psuedo-cyst for sure since it sounds like neoplasms are hard to identify clearly and some carcinadenomas are mistaken for or initially diagnosed as pseudo-cysts…?

It sounds like biopsy is poor way to detect if cancerous since some strands of growths/cysts in pancreas tend to be benign while others malignant, is that true? If so, how does one know if it’s malignant? They say 60% plus of malignancies aren’t correctly diagnosed til autopsy,amazing… Are there are new ways of diagnosing?

Has mucinous ductal ectasia, [mucinous carcinadenoma], been ruled out? Some say this mimics pseudo-cyst…

He wrote back and kindly assured me that her diagnosis was benign. Here is a copy of the response I received:

Hello Karen,

I’m sorry-I just happened to see this email today. You’ve certainly read a lot about pancreatic lesions. Essentially, I don’t think your mom has a pseudocyst. I think it is a real (not pseudo) cyst, probably like that of her kidney cysts. We will watch it, however. If it should grow, it may well need drainage. In this location, it would be best drained surgically. Don’t worry about rupture, or cancer, as her CA19-9 was normal and there appear to be no solid elements present.

While I recalled reading that the mentioned blood test was highly inaccurate in diagnosing pancreatic cancer, I thought I ought to take the doctor’s word at this point.

So when Mom was ’suddenly’ diagnosed on that memorable Friday, it seemed so odd in a way. As Dad read the report to me over the phone, I heard the words, “mucinous carcinaden-oma.” I realized that it was precisely the kind of cancer I’d inquired about.

Now the natural man would have missed the feast-the signature dish. And, initially, she began to surface in thoughts like: “How could the team have missed it?” But just as quickly as I let it in, the Spirit hovered close and whispered in no uncertain terms something to this effect:

You see, this is part of the answer to prayer. Had Mom been diagnosed two months ago, or a year or three ago, she would have had to go through chemo/radiation just to extend life. But she had expressly asked me to spare her that-and in her case, I can, for she has suffered enough in her life to be with me. The fact that it was overlooked or somehow not recognizable from prior tests and scans was more than human error.

I believe that to be true.

Purifying Our Lineage
Back to the story about my Dad. He was not a believer in the afterlife. That was another most difficult thing to bear. I can’t imagine the feeling of thinking his sweetheart of 50 years was gone-forever-just ceased to be.

I watched him agonize as his world as he envisioned it turned upside down. Last year at this time, we were at the same hospital, same floor, watching him struggle with chemo for his esophogial cancer. He thought it would be him going-all his funeral papers were worked out, and nothing was yet in place for Mom. I tried to find right moments to continue to plant seeds and all cousins prayed for the gift of faith for him, and he took some steps forward I believe. As I saw him grieve-part a necessary grief, and part an unnecessary grief, I grieved.

And then the Spirit washed over me as I thought of the little offering I had made for him this year. This was the year I felt so impressed to have an extended fast for Dad and to pray for a miracle of conversion for him. I was joined on one of those days by about ten close friends, my husband and children. I can’t tell you how secure I felt knowing, at least, that ‘that’ was in place.

In those difficult moments of watching Dad, the still small voice was saying to stand back and watch “the arm of the Lord be revealed” in his behalf (D&C 90:10). I knew what I was promised then. I knew the outpouring of the Spirit I felt. I knew the words of Truman Madsen that still ring in my ears and that are typed in 22-or is it 26-point font in my journal.

They are the words that came to me as I was well into my fast for Dad, feeling the thinning of the veil, and receiving impressions regarding the time my father would accept the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ as revealed in our day.

I was driving, listening to one of Brother Madsen’s (a Mormon scholar) talks, in which he spoke of the redemptive work of the Savior in gathering families to Him eternally. He spoke of how individuals coming into the Church, if righteous, could be grafting in branches of their own family and cleansing a lineage. As part of this commentary, he shared on tape a blessing given by Joseph Smith to, I believe, Elder Snow.

Fortuitously, I was pulling into a parking lot when I heard it; otherwise, I think I may have veered off the road, for it penetrated my heart so. The words resemble these:

…Your earthly father has not accepted the gospel, but Heavenly Father will be your father. And if you will live in full path of righteousness, the time will come when you will save all your kindred flesh and the blessings which are being conferred on you by your Heavenly Father will be conferred on you by your own father.

In those moments of longing to help Dad, I was comforted with the previous promise of a miracle. The Lord never bows out, so we don’t need to either. He always comes through.

The Funeral
So, Dad and I were virtually at opposite ends of the spectrum. I was so relieved that Mom got to go home early while sorry for his dear loss and he felt “the gods had cheated her” and given her “a raw deal.”

However, by the time we were all finished visiting with him-all of my Italian Catholic extended family who believe and made comments as inspired, and after all the prayers, and after the funeral Mass, I sensed a nuance of change in him-from his sure disbelief to an “I-hope-you’re-right” stance. The music of the funeral service was so faith-infusing, it was amazing. Perfect for Dad. Perfect for Mom.

I was asked to give the eulogy-another of Heavenly Father’s purposeful interventions. I told my Dad he might want my sister to give it since he didn’t believe in the afterlife, and I could only speak about Mom and offer comfort in that context. His preference didn’t change. His reasoning was that since Mom believed in the afterlife, and the eulogy and remarks were for her, it would be appropriate.

I had the opportunity to share a portion of Alma 40 regarding the state of the soul between death and the resurrection during the eulogy, which I invite you, if you are a friend of another faith reading this, to consider:

Now concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection-behold, it has been made known that the spirits of all, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.

The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame (Alma 40: 11, 12, 23).

And while I have always been grateful for that passage, never have I been as grateful for its clarity, explanation, and succinctness.

Well, the service brought back my Gentile days and confirmed the blessings of the restored gospel. Snow blanketed the ground as she was entombed in a mauseleum, with the words, “together forever” inscribed on the outside of the crypt. I felt the Lord’s hand pressing and melting Dad’s heart.

Additional Witnesses of God’s Hand

After Mom’s passing, I found information she seemed to have left for me to find about her ancestors. It was joyful to provide for them and her in the temple the gospel blessings. Bellos seemed to be ever present in our home.It was all amazing to me. God is so good. How can we say the smallest part? How can we miss the signature dish of His love? In or out of adversity? The lines begin to blur. Is this really adversity?

A Heart Pressed
The heat of summer, the heat of the furnace, the heat of the Son, is intense-”white hot, a holy flame.” Likely there will be pain. But there will be greater joy.

And, as Shad Mash Abed aptly observes,

“Sometimes we must take the heat even if we are not certain the thermometer of trial will soon be turned down” (As quoted in Elder Neal A. Maxwell’s All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience).

For Dad-and for some who have struggled with the loss of a loved one-”the grief of death may be the fuel, an understanding of God’s plan the oxygen, and the love of God the heart that makes the refiner’s fire burn”-or the heart pressed to perfection (Dunn & Eyre, The Birth We Call Death p. 41).

For some of us, the press is something else.

Just Remember:

There are two ways of seeing the world-one way is that nothing is a miracle. The other way is that everything is. And:

The crushed oil is virgin…all bitterness and unsavory flavor is gone.

The silver refined by the refiner is perfect when finished. And the Silversmith knows it’s complete by seeing His own image reflected in the silver.

That is the miracle of the atonement of Christ-of hearts pressed and perfected-and hope for a life with the Savior forever and a way through the pain and struggle that will be worth it one day, some how, some way.